LOST

No, not the TV show.  ME.  I am lost.  Does Best Buy sell navigation systems for emotions?

I have consumed myself with pole after pole after pole class, circus acts, yoga classes, work, home poling, dieting and sleep that I have become a robot.  I was always very emotional and deep.  Dawson's Creek can make me cry.  But I seem to have lost that along the way.  I am scared I am losing my true self, or she's been tangled up in a rope somewhere and I need to get her back down.  Confusing?

This week was my very first assignment in S class.  The assignment was to find something nostalgic (clothes & music) and let yourself go.  Well, I looked forward to this assignment for months...I am the most emotional person I know and I have a library of songs that have special meaning going way back, even ones dating back to when I was a kid.  Songs that could make me cry within the first 3 seconds.  Well I realized there was a problem when I sat in my dim lit room one night with my pole and played about 4-5 of my favorite songs and felt.......NOTHING.  Nada.  I had no connection to any of them.  My body didn't move.  I layed back on the couch and sulked.

So I think I have a problem.  I think I lost the one part of me that I never wanted to lose.  My emotional connection with myself.  Can I get that back?  I am not sure I can live without that.  I know I started taking on all these activities because they felt good and made me happy.  They brought me out of a lonely depression and now I have a passion for everything I am doing (except my work of course).  But did passion replace emotion?  Can I not have both??  Is this just a case of not being able to multitask?

I used to have TV night.  I DVR my favorite shows and pick a night or two during the week and just sit and watch them alone with no interruptions.  This really makes me happy.  Well over the past 2 months my DVR has almost run out of space, I have shows from November which I haven't had a chance to watch yet, and the few times I sat down to watch a show I would get distracted and lose interest and find myself watching pole dancing videos on youtube for the next 2 hours before falling asleep.  Is this normal behavior??  I think it's taking over my life.  It's clouding my ability to relax, where it once helped me relieve anxiety...it's now causing it.  All I can think about is wanting to learn and perfect my next move.  I can't seem to take a mental break.

I think one of the problems is that I had a few emotional relationships that kept me grounded.  And I don't mean romantic relationships.  I'm talking emotional friendships that are meaningful, true friends who get me, the deeper part of me.  And while those friends still exist, I feel like my busy world has caused a disconnect which somehow effected my relationship with myself.   I never really had to reconnect with myself.  I'm not even sure how one goes about that.  Oh my god...have I become an emotionless flake??  How can I un-flake?  I miss me.

So if you are reading this you are probably very bored, but if you have any tips on how to rekindle my relationship with myself, please share your thoughts, I truly appreciate it.  And in the mean time, I will try to tune out the world on my plane ride to Mexico on Monday - me and the ipod for 3 hours.  Hopefully that helps.

Until then...Lost until found. xo

bAcK tO rEaLiTy

Well, it's been almost two weeks since my last posting.  I feel off for a while.  Not like it matters since I have about 6 followers at most (i hope to change that soon).  I think I may have fallen into depression last week.  I got seriously down on myself because I had trouble with some pole work, I bruised up my entire body and I re-injured my weak ol' wrist, not to mention the bloating and pms which always relates to depression.  Ok so back to reality this week.  Fresh start, healthy eating, new attitude, more energy, STILL hurtin' wrist.  Can't win 'em all.  


So I got some advice from a friend that I should stop comparing my progress to other people, focus on myself, set some goals and not move on until I achieve them - in pole world of course.  I do tend to take on more than I can handle.  Example....3 (plus) classes per week leaving me tired, run down, cranky and frustrated.  But that's neither here nor there.  I took her advice and focused on one or two things and actually succeeded at them!!  Just in time for my workshops this weekend.  OH MY GOD...that's in 4 days!!!  I am going to be meeting so many great people this weekend at the competition and meet and greet tomorrow, this is all very exciting to me.  A new world filled with new people and new attitudes.  A newfound happiness if you will :-)


Ok but back to my bitching rant.  I am meeting Jenyne Butterfly who is not only awesomely talented, but teeny tiny and in crazy great shape, and Karol Helms, equally as talented and tiny and great unbruised shape...and then there's me.  Despite being a total amateur my legs just lost a 9 round heavy weight fight against Mike Tyson!  Exaggerating??  I think not - OUCH!!

I really want to know...when will this bruising subside?  I am going away in less than 2 weeks, less than one week after my workshops in which I know for sure I will abuse my legs!!!  All the arnica in the world won't help.  I bruise so easily so for me this is like triple the average human's bruise.  Good grief I get bruised when someone pokes me!!!  On FACEBOOK!!!  Help!  Please!  Although I am secretly very proud of my war wounds, I would like to be able to wear my new bikinis and dresses on vacation without having to wear opaque stockings underneath!! 


Enough of that crap.  I had a very productive aerial class tonight.  My wrist still hurts and now I think I pulled something in my shoulder, but I can't help but have a smile from ear to ear while in this class.  It's just so rewarding.  How many people can honestly say that they climb a silk rope or straddle a trapeze every week?!


Sorry for the boring and inconsistent rant, I hope to have more exciting stuff to add after this weekend!!!  Until then..happy poling, happy acrobating, happy bitching, happy bruising and HAPPY ST PADDYS DAY!!!!!

Concrete Jungle. . .

. . .where dreams are made of.....there's nothing you can't do . . .

Like the song says, the streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you.  Well not long ago, say less than a year ago actually, I would have told you how awful New York is and how badly I desired to escape it.  And some of those feelings I still have and some of them faded over the past 9 or 10 months. 
Just to recap:  I was born here raised in here until I was 10 and then my parents moved me and my sister to sunny Florida for four years.  It wasn't until I was 14 and starting high school that we came back to NY and by then I had become a a totally different girl than I was before I moved.  I really took a liking to the laid back Floridian beachy style of living.  I had a ton of friends and loved my life, whats not to love?  I was a kid with a big house, big pool, a ton of friends and freedom to do a lot.  Actually my middle school years were like my very own "wonder years" minus Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper of course.  Anyway coming back was a complete cutlure shock to me.  All girls private high school was torture and being the new kid on a block that I at one time pretty much ruled was very difficult.  I went through a bit of a depression in high school and even after that.  I really grew to despise everything about living in NY and resented it for me having to be away from my happiness.  But I never left.  I guess that's what happens when family is so important, it sort of controls major decisions in your life if you allow it to.

So over the past year I've gone through quite a few changes.  Went through an emotional break up, made 10 years at my job (a not so thrilling milestone in my opinion), turned 31...as if 30 wasn't hard enough, and just began to reevaluate my life and when I did, I realized I was so angry at the world for things I had the most control over.  And this is when I decided to start living for me and no one else...because in retrospect I also realized no one is going to put you first unless you put you first.  This is how I stumbled upon my new hobbies.  If you're reading this then you obviously know I am taking (and loving) pole dancing classes.  Also I flew on a trapeze for the first time and loved it.  And mind you, I am petrified of heights.  I enrolled in an aerial acrobats class as well.   Little by little I started to take control and do things that I actually enjoy without listening to ridicule of anyone else.  Because I just don't care.  And I put me first.  Unless I am happy, I won't do something.  I also faced my fear of doing things alone, for instance traveling alone.  I knew if I wanted to do something it was up to me to do it.  I no longer needed the assistance or approval of anyone else.  If I want to do something, I am not waiting on anyone else to make me late, or make me miss out on something good. 

I am about to get to my point here...So this is where New York plays a huge roll in my transformation.  As I left class last night and walked the two blocks to where I parked my car I had a few minutes to ponder (yes ponder).  I looked around and noticed how the city truly never sleeps.  I am one of the 10 or so million people that scale the city streets.  Everyone has a destination and a life to live.  I smiled inside thinking what a great feeling of freedom I have on these nights when I am running to class or leaving.  I do feel brand new and it's cheesy and cliche but I get chills when I hear Alicia Keys sing that song.  Maybe it hits close to home for me (I am not talking about the overplayed Jay Z version - see below).  There's no one to tell me where to be or what to wear or how to act.  Anything goes in the city, and you can find pretty much anything you want at any given hour on any given day.  I smell food when I leave class and I love every minute of the air I am breathing.  True story, as sappy as it may sound.  I felt proud of myself last night.  It took me a while to get here but I am here now and I am happy doing these amazing things with these amazing people I've met along the way.  I stepped up and conquered some things in my life.

I might not have everything, but who does?  If I can leave class on Thursday nights with a smile on my face then I know I have successfully achieved something that many people wish they could.  I have a masters in two fields and yet I only feel complete when I am in pole class having laughs or climbing a silk and getting frustrated because I am slipping.  Not many people have the opportunity to take advantage of the randomness in life.  But I do, and sure I realized it late but better late than never right?  There is a life outside the sheltered reality we grew up with and I am a part of it in some small way.  Growing up in NY doesn't automatically assume we are exposed to this openness and free way of living and thinking.  It usually means the opposite.  We grow up in our neighborhoods where all our friends live down the street and we marry someone we went to high school with.  It's an adventure to break that mold and be who you really want to be in this world.  Not many places allow for that to happen. I really have opened my eyes to the greatness that New York has to offer.  Why are people from all over the world drawn to this city?  There must be a reason right?  And so I decided not to move just yet.  Where else will I find this type of diversity and unrestricted living?  Surely no where other than New York.  Plus I have to complete all levels at S Factor and NY Circus Arts before I go anywhere!!

There's really nothing you can't do! Although I don't know where I will end up in a year from now or 10 years from now I do know that "even if it ain't all it seems, I got a pocketful of dreams, baby I'm from New York..."

Who's on that pole?

I want to start off by stating that anythingI say here is my personal view or opinion on a topic.  I am not an expert on anything, except myself of course =)  That being said...I want to discuss my love for this activity/sport/exercise.  

Quick overview of my thoughts:  Not sure I even want to refer to it as a sport because in my eyes it's more of an art form, but that's a different post all together.  Two years ago I would probably have shrugged off the idea of pole dancing and maybe related it to a strip club.  In all honesty I have never been a fan of strip clubs , and that's just my personal choice, nothing against men or women who work in one.  Everyone has to make a living,  I choose to make mine doing something I hate and die of boredom over (finance...blah blah blah).  But I am not even sure if I associated pole and strip clubs with one another.  Regardless, it's not something I would have thought I'd be so gung ho about (no pun intended).  I mean I've always loved watching dancers perform especially ballerinas and gymnasts.  You're probably saying gymnastics is not dance - but you get what I mean.  I always wished I'd stuck with either or as a kid but if I knew then what I know now I'd be golden.  Wouldn't we all?  So here I am years later in my 30's taking up new hobbies and loving every minute of it.  I realize now that pole dancing doesn't even need to be in the same room with the word "stripper."  It's really just a challenging, fun, rewarding and strength building fitness regime that beats the hell out of the elliptical machine or the monotonous run on the treadmill.  And let's not forget that anyone looks hot doing it and it doubles as a real self esteem booster.  I've never been the sensual type of girl in touch with her own sexuality, but I am doing things I never imagined I'd be doing.  Like dancing in a room of strangers (who are now my very good friends) and not feeling judged.  I am wearing booty shorts and heels!!  I don't think I've worn shorts since I was 12 and even then I hated my legs.  I don't love my legs now, but I almost don't really care or think about them when I am doing this.  I've seen girls of all sizes on the pole, and when they are moving slow and tuning out their everyday stresses, something magical happens.  They become another creature and suddenly they look amazing.  Sounds lame and made up....I know.  I would have smacked me 2 years ago and said get a f'en life.  Not today though.  Anyway, my one time intro class turned into an obsession that I am glad I stumbled upon.  Keeps me out of other every day troubles!!

Everyone is Someone:  One reason I decided to further my pole obsession is because I saw a Felix Cane video.  If you are reading this you are either my friend and making fun of me, or a serious poler and know the name Felix very well.  If you don't know who she is, I encourage you to watch her pole videos.  The very first pole dancing video I ever watched is Miss Pole Dance Australia 2006 winner Felix Cane.  This video was absolutely breathtaking to me.  I've never witnessed such grace, beauty, control and effortless fluidity by anyone or anything in my life - and in 6 inch platform heels.  I was instantly a fan, instantly hooked and my attraction to this (sport??) grew immediately.  I ordered my own pole before signing up for an 8 week session with S Factor; I haven't missed a week of poling since.  Another video worth watching which has become #1 on my top 50 list of awesome pole videos is another Felix video when she won MPD Australia 2008.  To me, she is untouchable.  A true talent in this industry and anyone who has a bad thought regarding pole dancing should watch this woman dance and then tell me you didn't enjoy every minute of it.  My own mother agrees with me!

I've done my research over the past few months and while I might be a late bloomer I definitely who's who in this business.  A few other great talents which I love to watch are Jenyne Butterfly (1st place winner in the USPDF Nationals 2009 and a personal fave of mine mostly because aside from being an awesome dancer, she is an amazing aerialist who again makes every move look effortless);  Karol Helms (Miss USPDF East Coast 09/10) who I've had the pleasure with chatting with on SV's Friday chat; Alethea Austin (Miss Sexy); Leigh Ann Orsi;  Zoraya Judd; Becca Butcher; Mina Mortezaie, and the list goes on.  What's really unique about this community of women (and some men) is that they all seem to bond and be fans of one another.  Each dancer has something unique to offer and many of these pro dancers actually teach classes at local studios which makes it even more appealing and easy to love!   In addition to my praise for these folks, I am so happy to say that I am booked in a workshop in 2 weeks with Jenyne Butterfly and one with Karol Helms.  I can not wait to meet them and learn from them.  I might be totally "pole struck."   The few interactions I've had with some of these women have been so pleasant and everyone seems to want to help each other and share their knowledge and tips.  It's surprising how nice and down to earth everyone is.  One other awesome performance which landed a spot in one of my top 5 favorites is by Barbara Dial, an instructor at S Factor NY.  This is a total must see and is one of the reason's I haven't quit S Factor yet, the grace and slow fluid movements are amazing and luckily it's one of S's primary focuses, more so than pole tricks.  I prefer a balance of the two which is why I like taking classes at different studios. Definitely check out her winning performance at Pole Superstar.

I have a new respect for anyone who pole dances as a profession or just for fun.  If you are reading this rolling your eyes, then you suck, what can I say.  I never claimed to be politically correct did I?

Don't "F" with my coffee!!

Picture it...it's Monday morning, or as the Bangles might say, just another manic Monday...I've just been rudely awakened by the sound of my iPod alarm clock and fall back to sleep.  I am in severe pain due to my very first pole jam practice which took place on Sunday evening and I have the bruises to prove it.  I snooze until 9am.  Work starts at 9am.  I am now late.  I waltz my ass in at 30 minutes past the hour, eyes crusted shut and a massive headache.  What do you want from me?  I'm 31 years old, my bones are not like they were at 21!   I no longer need a rough night of heavy drinking to hang me over.  All it takes is a 90 minute pole session and an overworked bod to put me into a mild coma that I refuse to come out of.  So now I am sleep walking my ass to my desk to get my coffee mug, mind you I drove to work in this coma, DMV should revoke my license.  Quick overview, my boss's boss and I share the duties of coffee brewing.  We take turns buying, making, and cleaning the coffee pot. It was her week to provide.  Now, I have nothing bad to say about my immediate surroundings.  I love my 6 close coworkers but we are like a family and frankly, I am entitled to get annoyed with family on occasion aren't I?  So I fill up my mug and go back to my desk.  Hmm, smells weird and tastes a little funny, but whatever, I know just by experience I make coffee better than her so I chalk it up that.  True story.  So an hour or so later I am suffering from a monster headache and feel the urge to brutally beat up anyone who knocks on my door.  I go back to refill my mug, and low and behold, what catches my eye???  Dunkin Donuts DECAF in bright orange packaging.  WHAT?  This can't be, who would do such a thing?? On a Monday no less???  Maybe the crusties in my eyes are blocking my vision.  Nope.  Clear as day, and and bitter stinking as hell.  I knew it tasted suspicious.  A true coffee lover knows her coffee.  It's like trying to swap the Hellmans with Miracle Whip.  You just don't do it!  So naturally I put on my coat and fly out the door to the drive thru Starbucks. Starbucks saved the day and saved the poor innocent people who might have been in hurt in the crossfire.  Thank you Devin from Starbucks for putting a smile on my face!  I am now plotting the mysterious disappearance of the decaf coffee bag so I don't have to live through this torture the rest of the week.  I just don't think it's normal to trick someone with such a nasty addiction!  I am not proud of my addiction, and I plan to quit sometime in the future.  But this is my heroine damn it.  How dare you F with my coffee!?!?!