Trust is a scary little thing

A lot has happened since I last blogged.  For starters I completed a 4 day teacher training at Om Factory for Anti Gravity Yoga level 1 certification.  Although I didn't quite pass the test, I learned a great deal about myself and my body from both the training and the people I met.  I also plan to pass the test after I complete my 50 hours of student teaching.

One of the words that keeps making appearance in my life these days is trust.  In the past I have had a hard time defining this word and haven't had many great experiences with it.  But I am learning now that trust is something you develop in yourself.  How can I ever expect to trust another human being if I can't even trust myself.  Well recently my trust has been put to the test, and I am not sure as a teacher I would pass myself on this test.

Last night I was in my regular aerial acrobats class and I am progressing nicely.  This time my instructor decided she wanted to introduce me to my very first drop flip.  I heard the word flip and got excited.  Not realizing what a "drop" meant.   Basically she knots the silks together like we did in level 1, only this time the knot was high and I had to pull myself up into a tuck and flip my legs over the knot then twist upside down so the knot is on my lower back.  No biggie here, aside from the fact that it was 95 degrees outside and the studio was about 100 since they don't own an AC unit.  Once I got into my flipped invert I had to hook both legs and articulate my body up and straddle my legs.  This was also not a big deal, having just learned the same move in AG yoga training a few days ago.  Now, I am in a straddle in the air arched at the chest holding the two silks behind me.  She wanted me to let go, face forward flipping and landing with the knot under my arms.  HUH?

Instructor: "On count of 3, I want you to release your hands and open your arms, "3, 2, 1..."  

Me:  (I freeze here dripping sweat).  

Instructor: "Let's try this again...3, 2, 1..."  

Me: No, I can't!!

Instructor:  Yes you can just DO IT.

Me: Ok Ok...

Instructor:  3, 2, 1...

Me: NO!

Instructor:  Stop being a weenie!

Me: You just called me a weenie!

Instructor: 3, 2, 1...

Me:  YIKES.....(fall face first I landed, ouch to the jolting under arm pit rape)

Instructor:  See you just have to learn to trust yourself.

Me: Wow I did it.

Instructor:  Ok let's try that again and clean up the leg work.

Me: Hell NO!

Moral of this story is, I am slowly learning to trust myself.  Once I master this I truly believe anything is possible.  It's when I doubt myself that my walls come crumbling around me triggering everything else to go wrong.  I had control of the situation last night but I wanted to believe that I didn't.  I controlled whether or not the knot would catch me.  If I doubted it for a minute I could have gotten tangled and hurt.  It's confidence in myself that brings me success in everything I do.  I tend to lack that confidence when I know deep down I have no reason to.  This is something we all deal with at one time or another.  No one is perfectly confident in themselves and if they say they are they are lying.  But I am trying and I do see a big difference, its just getting to the finish line that has me so anxious.

The four days I spent in Chris Harrison's AGY teacher training opened my eyes to many things, precisely trust and confidence.  If you trust you can do something, chances are you can do it.  If you have confidence in yourself the world sees it and situations become much easier to deal with.  So although I gathered this in my training it doesn't mean it worked for me.  Its something I need to build on, and experiment with and eventually master.

One part of my assignment was to teach the class a portion of the warm up using the AG hammock.  I had never taught a class in my life, aside from the occasion computer trainings back in my IT days.  I was not comfortable standing in front of a room of 14 or so yoga instructors including Christopher Harrison, and bullshit my way through this session. I had no choice so I did it and I was critiqued.  The main critique was "be more confident, and if you don't know something, fake it."  I always had trouble with faking anything.  But again I own that, I can control it.  If I wanted to I could have bs'ed my way through this, but I allowed my nerves to take over.  Lesson learned here:  no one is perfect and I wasn't expected to memorize my exact moves and be perfect at them, I just needed to convince myself that I am ok, and in that, I will convince the rest of the world.

Another interesting thing that came out of this class for me is doing away with negative phrases.  For example, CH brought up a good point.  When we are kids our parents always taught us to "be careful" no matter what we did.  As a grown up I still hear those words come from my parents mouths.  I even say it to people when I leave work on a Friday and I know they have a long drive home.  Be careful.  Reminding someone to be careful is only making them more aware of possible dangers and risks involved with whatever they are doing and when something is brought to your attention its more likely to stay there.  I didn't sign up for trapeze, silks, pole or upside down yoga to be "safe" or "careful."  I signed up to take a risk, push beyond my limits and challenge myself to be the best that I can be.  If I wanted to be safe and careful I would stay home and watch SoapNet (bad example since they are going off the air!).  But you get the idea.

On a more successful note, if you recall back in February I blogged about having found AGY and how I was going to check it out sooner or later.  Well I posted a picture of Pink at the Grammys  while she was hanging upside down soaking wet and singing, this pose is called a "Chandelier."  3 months later I am now the proud owner of this pose, and here I am in my version of the Chandelier:

Next on my list:  Acro Yoga!!

One more day of 31

Today is my last day on this earth.....as a 31 year old.  Tomorrow starts a new year, a new chapter perhaps, new aches, new pains, new challenges, new excuses to celebrate, sulk, plan, cry, smile, etc..

I like my birthday.  It's my favorite day of the year no matter how old I am turning.  Surely it's not as exciting as when I turned 7 and I had my McDonalds party, or when I was 10 and had a bowling party, or when I was 13 and had a pool party and made out with Craig Fisher on my parent's lawn chair (gross what was I thinking??).  But it's still exciting.  I get to have a celebration and cake, oohhh cake, and everyone is extra nice to me, I feel like a princess.  Maybe I will borrow my niece's purple tutu and wear it all day tomorrow, she won't mind.

So instead of doing work for next year's budget (which is what I am supposed to be doing right now) I started to look back and think about what I've accomplished.  When I turned 30 I had a bucket list....to be honest I didn't start crossing items off my list until I turned 31.  That first year was a rough realization for me, had to got through many lows to get to the big high I feel now.  As I go along I seem to add new things to this bucket list, not sure that's allowed but HEY it's my list, I make the rules.  The only item I can cross off my list before I turned 30 is completing grad school.  It was a long and arduous road but I successfully made it to the end.  So, MBA - check.

I conquered my fear of flying last year when I challenged myself with a flying trapeze class: Flying mid air- check.  I traveled alone to visit friends and family on a few occasions and had well deserved "relaxation" time with myself: Be best friends with myself - check.  I also took it upon myself to enroll in a pole dancing class, sans friends like a big girl and conquer my fear of embarrassment as well as begin the journey of getting to know my body and become comfortable in my own skin: Pole lessons - check, Being ok on my own - check, Being happy with the time I spend away from my "normal" routine - check, Building confidence and learning to love my own body - check in progress.   

This new activity in my routine led me to continue to live out of my "box" and enroll in an aerial acrobats class, something I dreamed of as a kid but never really followed through on: Become more active - check, Become more care free - check.   Everything I currently love costs money.  In the old days I would tell myself to save and not splurge on crazy things, instead I would shop for shoes and bags and get depressed.  Now I have learned to live for the present, shoes and bags are materials, a temporary happiness.  I no longer fear spending my hard earned paycheck if it's on something contributes to my long term happiness.  Day to day living is so costly but why should that stop me from living?  Why should I cheat myself out of happiness because I rather be cheap?  Stop being cheap with myself - check.

To sum up, 31 was actually the most productively happy year I've had in my life thus far.  I never understood when people said being 30 is wonderful.  I anticipated it as getting old and having this moral obligation to settle down, get married and pop out kids.  I also anticipated it as having to be a total grown up and have endless responsibilities.  I was wrong.  This is my life.  A one time shot at a life I was given to live any way I choose. I had to get through my 20's to actually come to that conclusion and begin my own journey, because you can't take anyone else's word, you just have to stumble upon it when it's your time.  So instead of putting a timer on my next 8 years of life, I am living every day like it's my last. Ok that's probably an extreme statement.  I will live every moment as if it could be taken from me.  I won't allow anything to get in the way of my own happiness, regardless of what defines that happiness.  Aches and pains are only present if you allow them to be.  Every ache and every pain has meaning to me now.  It means I accomplished something great.  Without aches, pains, bruises and cuts, it means I am just getting by.  I don't want to just get by.  I want to live, breathe, feel, be, and allow each moment to take me to a new place that may not be on my originally planned path. My path is mine and only I can travel it.  I can't count on someone else to complete my life or show me my next step.  This is a journey everyone should enjoy for themselves and everything else is just an added bonus or support system.

LESSON LEARNED:  Create the life you love - CHECK.