This I love

I had a really tough week and watching this makes me somewhat smile. I used this song last night in class...

In this moment.. this instant, I am free

Breathe.. 

Breathe....

My heart is wrenching, suffocating.  The walls are closing in around my breath.  Tension builds between my shoulder blades and my shoulders are inches from my ears.  I am drowning in a sea of overwhelming confusion and it's difficult to catch a breath.  Each time I come up for air I am forcefully pushed back down fighting my way back to the top.  This goes on for days.

It's Sunday afternoon and my eyes are swollen and my heart hurts.  I walk into the dim lit studio, dimmer than my usual class, and find my spot in the back of the room.  I don't know anyone in this class so I zone out with my ipod until the instructor comes in.  I pick my song for the evening, "Sleep like a child" by Joss Stone and put my ipod in the holder on the wall.

As the warm up begins I am on my back breathing into the slow and sublte moves of my arms and legs as my body begins to relax and do it's own thing to the beat of my favorite Muse song.  I get warmer and my senses begin to awaken.  The dim light relaxes me yet excites me.  I begin to forget all of my worries as I stretch into my upper body spine circles.  I begin to feel the floor and the texture of the mat as the instructor reminds us to breathe.  I breathe.  It feels so organic and free.  I want to lay on this mushy mat for eternity, or at least the next half hour. 

Pole practice begins and my body is bendy and loose.  I perfect my chopper with the help of my instructor and it's time to dance.             

Breathe.......  

           

As my song fills the room I lay back in the cushy chair breathing her in and my shoulders fall further away from my ears.  There are 5 other girls in the studio but I am the only person in this room right now, the only person that I feel.  My body melts onto the cold wood floor and I am rolling around at the speed of dripping molasses to the sound of Joss Stone.  This feels good.  Nothing matters.  My toes connect with the floor and my back stretches and slithers in her space.  Right here in this moment, I am free.  Right here in this moment I don't have to pay a bill, or respond to a text, or worry about someone else, or be somewhere, or care how I look.  Right here in this moment, I am me and no one can take that away.  My newly manicured toes drag across the floor and I take hold of my pole, spinning, climbing and inverting, slow, Breathe.....hanging upside down and free - devouring the lyrics of this song as my heart slows its beat and catches it's breath: "Sleep like a child, peaceful and deep....and I when you lay you down I pray your soul to keep...."

The Unnecessary Pressures of Being a Woman

This is one of those rants that I need to have because I am filled with endless emotions and thoughts and unanswered questions and aggravations.

Let me start by saying that yesterday was a really crappy day.  I woke up thinking it was Friday and had to face the biggest let down when I realized I was two days early and had barely hit the half mark of my work week.  Between the usual spilled coffee in the car and losers on the road causing me to almost crash several times on my way to work, I knew I should have stayed in bed......But I didn't.  I also went through the majority of the day thinking it was a full moon and blaming all of my hysterics on that, only to find out that again, I was 3 days too early.  I am starting to think someones been sprinkling dimensia dust over me in my sleep.


Anway, back to my topic.  Society (a dreadful word in the American vocabulary according to me) is always at fault for putting pressure on women.  We hear it all the time, pressures to be thin, pressures to be beautiful, pressures to have big boobs, or smooth skin, or great hair, nice legs, rock solid abs, you get the idea.  But there's another type of pressure put on women.  And that is the pressure to procreate.

As I was catching up with one of my many pregnant friends yesterday, she mentioned to me how she bumped into another friend (also married with children) and they discussed when I would be popping out a child.  Now, this is just an example of the typical questions I get as a 32 year old single female.  Questions from everyone, mostly those who are already married and/or have kids, and mostly the older genereation.

In my 20's I always thought I'd be married with a great career and kids by the time I turned 30.  Of course, nothing is set in stone.  And over the years I have forgotten about that stigma and went on with my life.  By the time I did turn 30 I'd had a few relationships under my belt and a greater idea of what the world had to offer and the freedom I had to explore it.  And in my opinion, or should I say in my world, I think I have accomplished more then most girls my age.  But why is it that people who did choose the other different path always want to know "When are you getting married?" or "When are you going to have a baby?"  I think it's pretty offensive honestly.  Why is that the ONLY accepted status as a woman?  I wouldn't say to an overweight person "When are you going to lose weight?" or "Why are you so fat?"  I am sure the person KNOWS they are overweight or need to lose weight, why is it my business to remind them or make them feel like they are out of place if they don't?

This all comes at a time in my life when I too have the same questions for myself.  And I went home last night and honestly felt sad, and angry.  Mostly at myself.  Why am I choosing this path in life?  Why haven't I gotten married or had a kid yet?  What am I waiting for?  Now I will be an old mom, the old moms I used to make fun of as a kid.  Maybe I should think about having a kid now, even if it's not with the right person, everyone seems to think it's time.   Then I made the mistake of logging into my facebook account and saw 3 different announcements of people who had baby news.  Just in time for my mini meltdown thank you!  Facebook has become a tool where people throw pimp out their families to show off to the world (i.e. their long lost friends from grammar school) how wonderful their lives are and how happy their families are.  I used to use facebook as a way to keep in touch with friends that I can't see on a regular basis, friends that live far away, but now I don't even enjoy logging in because it's become a show and apparently I have nothing to show.  I've actually deleted people because of it.

Is it that in order for a woman to be completely fulfilled in life she needs a husband and a fleet of children to account for?  What if you remove that husband and/or children frmo her life, is she then less of a woman?  I am not sure I am understanding what's being asked of me.  Does it make me a loser because I didn't find someone early on and have a family and become a young mom?  I mean don't get me wrong sure it would be great, and I am happy for anyone who is happy with that lifestyle, but maybe I am happy with my education and my freedom in life.  I have a double MBA, and I do so many things with my free time that make me happy.  Maybe I enjoy traveling the world with friends and boyfriends (regardless of how often they may come and go).  Maybe I am happy focusing on just me for now. 

I never felt complete by having someone in my life to complete me.  I always assumed as an individual you are expected to complete yourself before you try to complete someone else.  What about individuality?  Why am I looked at different by all my friends who are in marriages with kids?  Is it because they want me to be trapped at home with no freedom to do what makes me happy?  Is it a case of misery loves company (assuming they are not truly happy)?  Or is it that they feed into society's pressures on women becoming old maids?  Now we have "cougars."  Who cares?  Why must it be called anything.  No one seems to put the same pressure on men.  A man can live his whole life whoring around and never having kids and no one will say a word.  In fact he will be praised for it.  But why should I go run out and get married or knocked up just to fit in?  What difference does it make?  And what gives anyone the right to question me about it!?!?

Aiming for that upside down frown

 I can't seem to get the knack of this blog updating business.  I have so much to say but never find time to say it, or write it.  I barely make time to think it.  Which is probably why my head feels like it's about to explode and take down at least half of the offices in my hallway today.

I left off talking about trust.  Well the minute I blogged about it, I lost trust in myself.  I went to my final aerial class of the session, and I was told to do a trapeze sequence on my left side.  I hadn't really done the entire sequence on my "bad" side before, and my usual isntructor was out that day, so I relied on my spotter and myself.  But I knew something wasn't right before I even began.  I talked myself into doubting my body awareness, and sure enough I took a fall and landed right on my spotter kicking her in the face.  It wasn't pretty for her, although she broke my fall nicely.  But I realized something after I looked at the video playback; I caused myself to fall.  I created that self doubt and I made that fall happen.  I could have prevented it, I am not weak and I knew what needed to be done but I allowed my mind to cloud my awareness of my body causing me to soften and give up. This really bothered me, especially since I could have hurt the person spotting me, although thankfully that wasn't the case.  But this sat with me for days after.  How and why do I always allow mind over matter to backfire on me?  And when (if ever) will I be able to control the two?

That's just one of the many issues taking up space in my cloudy mind.  I've also hurt my back poling, and again I know why and I know how, but I still let my brain control my body.  I overcompensate when I know an area is weak and this time it caused me to strain a muscle in my back.  I haven't been on a pole in two weeks.  I am sad.  My back feels better though.  But in general something is missing and I am not sure what it is.  Maybe poling makes me happy and not doing it creates a void.  Or maybe the void was already there and poling filled it and the second I stop I feel that open hole of darkness.  Or maybe I am being over dramatic today.

I have no idea how I went from hurting my back to being sad inside all in the post.  I have my moments.  Times where things are wonderful and I think this is great, I am enjoying life and feeling carefree.  Then a day later I am sad, and can't quite put my finger on what's causing this sadness.  But I feel the frown on my face even when it's not there.  It won't go away.  Have I taken on too much at once?  Literally?  Emotionally? 

I was starting to feel like I had things in control again, picking myself up from a dark place where I didn't want to be, and things were looking bright......but.....then I realized what needed fixing still isn't fixed and I am just masking it with menial things.  I have not gotten to the root of what's causing me to frown inside and I am starting to think I never will.  How is it that the mind can have such control over everything?  I turned off my emotions willingly for a while.  And now I turned them back on but only half way and my head is in the drivers seat on auto pilot.  Make sense?  It doesn't to me.  I am on auto pilot in my life right now.  My job is a key player in my frownyness (no it's not a word I just made it up), and when I even begin to think about making a change I cringe and panic and get a headache and then throw my thoughts on the back burner and find an easier more immediate focus.  At the end of each day, the problem is still there.  The problem is me.  I have become a professional procrastinator and for crying out loud I am not getting paid enough to do it!

It's time for a snack, I can't think anymore...

Trust is a scary little thing

A lot has happened since I last blogged.  For starters I completed a 4 day teacher training at Om Factory for Anti Gravity Yoga level 1 certification.  Although I didn't quite pass the test, I learned a great deal about myself and my body from both the training and the people I met.  I also plan to pass the test after I complete my 50 hours of student teaching.

One of the words that keeps making appearance in my life these days is trust.  In the past I have had a hard time defining this word and haven't had many great experiences with it.  But I am learning now that trust is something you develop in yourself.  How can I ever expect to trust another human being if I can't even trust myself.  Well recently my trust has been put to the test, and I am not sure as a teacher I would pass myself on this test.

Last night I was in my regular aerial acrobats class and I am progressing nicely.  This time my instructor decided she wanted to introduce me to my very first drop flip.  I heard the word flip and got excited.  Not realizing what a "drop" meant.   Basically she knots the silks together like we did in level 1, only this time the knot was high and I had to pull myself up into a tuck and flip my legs over the knot then twist upside down so the knot is on my lower back.  No biggie here, aside from the fact that it was 95 degrees outside and the studio was about 100 since they don't own an AC unit.  Once I got into my flipped invert I had to hook both legs and articulate my body up and straddle my legs.  This was also not a big deal, having just learned the same move in AG yoga training a few days ago.  Now, I am in a straddle in the air arched at the chest holding the two silks behind me.  She wanted me to let go, face forward flipping and landing with the knot under my arms.  HUH?

Instructor: "On count of 3, I want you to release your hands and open your arms, "3, 2, 1..."  

Me:  (I freeze here dripping sweat).  

Instructor: "Let's try this again...3, 2, 1..."  

Me: No, I can't!!

Instructor:  Yes you can just DO IT.

Me: Ok Ok...

Instructor:  3, 2, 1...

Me: NO!

Instructor:  Stop being a weenie!

Me: You just called me a weenie!

Instructor: 3, 2, 1...

Me:  YIKES.....(fall face first I landed, ouch to the jolting under arm pit rape)

Instructor:  See you just have to learn to trust yourself.

Me: Wow I did it.

Instructor:  Ok let's try that again and clean up the leg work.

Me: Hell NO!

Moral of this story is, I am slowly learning to trust myself.  Once I master this I truly believe anything is possible.  It's when I doubt myself that my walls come crumbling around me triggering everything else to go wrong.  I had control of the situation last night but I wanted to believe that I didn't.  I controlled whether or not the knot would catch me.  If I doubted it for a minute I could have gotten tangled and hurt.  It's confidence in myself that brings me success in everything I do.  I tend to lack that confidence when I know deep down I have no reason to.  This is something we all deal with at one time or another.  No one is perfectly confident in themselves and if they say they are they are lying.  But I am trying and I do see a big difference, its just getting to the finish line that has me so anxious.

The four days I spent in Chris Harrison's AGY teacher training opened my eyes to many things, precisely trust and confidence.  If you trust you can do something, chances are you can do it.  If you have confidence in yourself the world sees it and situations become much easier to deal with.  So although I gathered this in my training it doesn't mean it worked for me.  Its something I need to build on, and experiment with and eventually master.

One part of my assignment was to teach the class a portion of the warm up using the AG hammock.  I had never taught a class in my life, aside from the occasion computer trainings back in my IT days.  I was not comfortable standing in front of a room of 14 or so yoga instructors including Christopher Harrison, and bullshit my way through this session. I had no choice so I did it and I was critiqued.  The main critique was "be more confident, and if you don't know something, fake it."  I always had trouble with faking anything.  But again I own that, I can control it.  If I wanted to I could have bs'ed my way through this, but I allowed my nerves to take over.  Lesson learned here:  no one is perfect and I wasn't expected to memorize my exact moves and be perfect at them, I just needed to convince myself that I am ok, and in that, I will convince the rest of the world.

Another interesting thing that came out of this class for me is doing away with negative phrases.  For example, CH brought up a good point.  When we are kids our parents always taught us to "be careful" no matter what we did.  As a grown up I still hear those words come from my parents mouths.  I even say it to people when I leave work on a Friday and I know they have a long drive home.  Be careful.  Reminding someone to be careful is only making them more aware of possible dangers and risks involved with whatever they are doing and when something is brought to your attention its more likely to stay there.  I didn't sign up for trapeze, silks, pole or upside down yoga to be "safe" or "careful."  I signed up to take a risk, push beyond my limits and challenge myself to be the best that I can be.  If I wanted to be safe and careful I would stay home and watch SoapNet (bad example since they are going off the air!).  But you get the idea.

On a more successful note, if you recall back in February I blogged about having found AGY and how I was going to check it out sooner or later.  Well I posted a picture of Pink at the Grammys  while she was hanging upside down soaking wet and singing, this pose is called a "Chandelier."  3 months later I am now the proud owner of this pose, and here I am in my version of the Chandelier:

Next on my list:  Acro Yoga!!

One more day of 31

Today is my last day on this earth.....as a 31 year old.  Tomorrow starts a new year, a new chapter perhaps, new aches, new pains, new challenges, new excuses to celebrate, sulk, plan, cry, smile, etc..

I like my birthday.  It's my favorite day of the year no matter how old I am turning.  Surely it's not as exciting as when I turned 7 and I had my McDonalds party, or when I was 10 and had a bowling party, or when I was 13 and had a pool party and made out with Craig Fisher on my parent's lawn chair (gross what was I thinking??).  But it's still exciting.  I get to have a celebration and cake, oohhh cake, and everyone is extra nice to me, I feel like a princess.  Maybe I will borrow my niece's purple tutu and wear it all day tomorrow, she won't mind.

So instead of doing work for next year's budget (which is what I am supposed to be doing right now) I started to look back and think about what I've accomplished.  When I turned 30 I had a bucket list....to be honest I didn't start crossing items off my list until I turned 31.  That first year was a rough realization for me, had to got through many lows to get to the big high I feel now.  As I go along I seem to add new things to this bucket list, not sure that's allowed but HEY it's my list, I make the rules.  The only item I can cross off my list before I turned 30 is completing grad school.  It was a long and arduous road but I successfully made it to the end.  So, MBA - check.

I conquered my fear of flying last year when I challenged myself with a flying trapeze class: Flying mid air- check.  I traveled alone to visit friends and family on a few occasions and had well deserved "relaxation" time with myself: Be best friends with myself - check.  I also took it upon myself to enroll in a pole dancing class, sans friends like a big girl and conquer my fear of embarrassment as well as begin the journey of getting to know my body and become comfortable in my own skin: Pole lessons - check, Being ok on my own - check, Being happy with the time I spend away from my "normal" routine - check, Building confidence and learning to love my own body - check in progress.   

This new activity in my routine led me to continue to live out of my "box" and enroll in an aerial acrobats class, something I dreamed of as a kid but never really followed through on: Become more active - check, Become more care free - check.   Everything I currently love costs money.  In the old days I would tell myself to save and not splurge on crazy things, instead I would shop for shoes and bags and get depressed.  Now I have learned to live for the present, shoes and bags are materials, a temporary happiness.  I no longer fear spending my hard earned paycheck if it's on something contributes to my long term happiness.  Day to day living is so costly but why should that stop me from living?  Why should I cheat myself out of happiness because I rather be cheap?  Stop being cheap with myself - check.

To sum up, 31 was actually the most productively happy year I've had in my life thus far.  I never understood when people said being 30 is wonderful.  I anticipated it as getting old and having this moral obligation to settle down, get married and pop out kids.  I also anticipated it as having to be a total grown up and have endless responsibilities.  I was wrong.  This is my life.  A one time shot at a life I was given to live any way I choose. I had to get through my 20's to actually come to that conclusion and begin my own journey, because you can't take anyone else's word, you just have to stumble upon it when it's your time.  So instead of putting a timer on my next 8 years of life, I am living every day like it's my last. Ok that's probably an extreme statement.  I will live every moment as if it could be taken from me.  I won't allow anything to get in the way of my own happiness, regardless of what defines that happiness.  Aches and pains are only present if you allow them to be.  Every ache and every pain has meaning to me now.  It means I accomplished something great.  Without aches, pains, bruises and cuts, it means I am just getting by.  I don't want to just get by.  I want to live, breathe, feel, be, and allow each moment to take me to a new place that may not be on my originally planned path. My path is mine and only I can travel it.  I can't count on someone else to complete my life or show me my next step.  This is a journey everyone should enjoy for themselves and everything else is just an added bonus or support system.

LESSON LEARNED:  Create the life you love - CHECK.

Pain Pain Go Away

Well, it's 3 weeks since I began physical therapy for my wrist sprain and I can honestly say, IT STILL FUCKING HURTS!

My physical therapist, or as I like to call him my "PT" believes that I hurt my puney wrist because I am lacking the strength in the areas needed for me to perform the activities that I am infatuated with.  Most importantly my mid/lower traps and lower abs are not strong enough to support my weight.  He did tell me I have huge lats (not something you want to tell a girl...HUGE anything [unless you are referring to boobs] is an insult and push toward borderline eating disorder...thank you very much!)  Anyway, I am now working on strengthening and lengthening those muscles.  So not only do I have "huge" lats and no lower abs, I also have short retarded muscles.  If ever you want an ego boost...don't go see my PT.

Aside from being uncensored and brutally honest, he knows his muscles.  I already feel stronger and my abs are more solid than they were 3 weeks ago.  And just a side note, those stupid leg lifts they have us do in yoga and other fitness classes are total BS.  If you do a leg lift and put your hand over your abdomen you will feel you upper abs firing up and popping out.  No one ever told me to do this, therefore I have been building more and more muscle in my upper abs which are doing the work for the lower more important abs.  PT says "the strong get stronger, the weak get weaker."  PT is a genius!  Great.  What a way to find this out.  So basically if I were told proper technique I could have avoided injury.  Well now I know better.  I also learned that I have more supination on my right side then I do my left, which is again, how I injured my left wrist. Last year I messed up my ankle because I have a pronated step.  This year I don't have enough supination....WTF???  FML.

So now I have missed my pole and aerial classes for 3 weeks.  In pole there is a huge learning curve (for someone like me who doesn't have a dance background) and I injured myself before I got passed the curve.  So now when I go back I have alot of catch up to do.  I think I am going insane by being away this long. I also had to put yoga on hold since my new found obsession is anti gravity which is all inversions.  (By the way, I am going for Anti Gravity certification training next month!! Can't wait!)  I am not mobile enough these days and I have no desire to step foot in a stinky gym, so what have I been doing to occupy my time???  SHOPPING!  So please, if there is  God, answer my prayers and get me back into tip top shape so I can spend my hard earned money on fun classes and not another 50 bathing suits that I don't need!!!  I suppose it could be worse right?  But let me bitch about my situation because its all I have!!!!

LOST

No, not the TV show.  ME.  I am lost.  Does Best Buy sell navigation systems for emotions?

I have consumed myself with pole after pole after pole class, circus acts, yoga classes, work, home poling, dieting and sleep that I have become a robot.  I was always very emotional and deep.  Dawson's Creek can make me cry.  But I seem to have lost that along the way.  I am scared I am losing my true self, or she's been tangled up in a rope somewhere and I need to get her back down.  Confusing?

This week was my very first assignment in S class.  The assignment was to find something nostalgic (clothes & music) and let yourself go.  Well, I looked forward to this assignment for months...I am the most emotional person I know and I have a library of songs that have special meaning going way back, even ones dating back to when I was a kid.  Songs that could make me cry within the first 3 seconds.  Well I realized there was a problem when I sat in my dim lit room one night with my pole and played about 4-5 of my favorite songs and felt.......NOTHING.  Nada.  I had no connection to any of them.  My body didn't move.  I layed back on the couch and sulked.

So I think I have a problem.  I think I lost the one part of me that I never wanted to lose.  My emotional connection with myself.  Can I get that back?  I am not sure I can live without that.  I know I started taking on all these activities because they felt good and made me happy.  They brought me out of a lonely depression and now I have a passion for everything I am doing (except my work of course).  But did passion replace emotion?  Can I not have both??  Is this just a case of not being able to multitask?

I used to have TV night.  I DVR my favorite shows and pick a night or two during the week and just sit and watch them alone with no interruptions.  This really makes me happy.  Well over the past 2 months my DVR has almost run out of space, I have shows from November which I haven't had a chance to watch yet, and the few times I sat down to watch a show I would get distracted and lose interest and find myself watching pole dancing videos on youtube for the next 2 hours before falling asleep.  Is this normal behavior??  I think it's taking over my life.  It's clouding my ability to relax, where it once helped me relieve anxiety...it's now causing it.  All I can think about is wanting to learn and perfect my next move.  I can't seem to take a mental break.

I think one of the problems is that I had a few emotional relationships that kept me grounded.  And I don't mean romantic relationships.  I'm talking emotional friendships that are meaningful, true friends who get me, the deeper part of me.  And while those friends still exist, I feel like my busy world has caused a disconnect which somehow effected my relationship with myself.   I never really had to reconnect with myself.  I'm not even sure how one goes about that.  Oh my god...have I become an emotionless flake??  How can I un-flake?  I miss me.

So if you are reading this you are probably very bored, but if you have any tips on how to rekindle my relationship with myself, please share your thoughts, I truly appreciate it.  And in the mean time, I will try to tune out the world on my plane ride to Mexico on Monday - me and the ipod for 3 hours.  Hopefully that helps.

Until then...Lost until found. xo

bAcK tO rEaLiTy

Well, it's been almost two weeks since my last posting.  I feel off for a while.  Not like it matters since I have about 6 followers at most (i hope to change that soon).  I think I may have fallen into depression last week.  I got seriously down on myself because I had trouble with some pole work, I bruised up my entire body and I re-injured my weak ol' wrist, not to mention the bloating and pms which always relates to depression.  Ok so back to reality this week.  Fresh start, healthy eating, new attitude, more energy, STILL hurtin' wrist.  Can't win 'em all.  


So I got some advice from a friend that I should stop comparing my progress to other people, focus on myself, set some goals and not move on until I achieve them - in pole world of course.  I do tend to take on more than I can handle.  Example....3 (plus) classes per week leaving me tired, run down, cranky and frustrated.  But that's neither here nor there.  I took her advice and focused on one or two things and actually succeeded at them!!  Just in time for my workshops this weekend.  OH MY GOD...that's in 4 days!!!  I am going to be meeting so many great people this weekend at the competition and meet and greet tomorrow, this is all very exciting to me.  A new world filled with new people and new attitudes.  A newfound happiness if you will :-)


Ok but back to my bitching rant.  I am meeting Jenyne Butterfly who is not only awesomely talented, but teeny tiny and in crazy great shape, and Karol Helms, equally as talented and tiny and great unbruised shape...and then there's me.  Despite being a total amateur my legs just lost a 9 round heavy weight fight against Mike Tyson!  Exaggerating??  I think not - OUCH!!

I really want to know...when will this bruising subside?  I am going away in less than 2 weeks, less than one week after my workshops in which I know for sure I will abuse my legs!!!  All the arnica in the world won't help.  I bruise so easily so for me this is like triple the average human's bruise.  Good grief I get bruised when someone pokes me!!!  On FACEBOOK!!!  Help!  Please!  Although I am secretly very proud of my war wounds, I would like to be able to wear my new bikinis and dresses on vacation without having to wear opaque stockings underneath!! 


Enough of that crap.  I had a very productive aerial class tonight.  My wrist still hurts and now I think I pulled something in my shoulder, but I can't help but have a smile from ear to ear while in this class.  It's just so rewarding.  How many people can honestly say that they climb a silk rope or straddle a trapeze every week?!


Sorry for the boring and inconsistent rant, I hope to have more exciting stuff to add after this weekend!!!  Until then..happy poling, happy acrobating, happy bitching, happy bruising and HAPPY ST PADDYS DAY!!!!!

Concrete Jungle. . .

. . .where dreams are made of.....there's nothing you can't do . . .

Like the song says, the streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you.  Well not long ago, say less than a year ago actually, I would have told you how awful New York is and how badly I desired to escape it.  And some of those feelings I still have and some of them faded over the past 9 or 10 months. 
Just to recap:  I was born here raised in here until I was 10 and then my parents moved me and my sister to sunny Florida for four years.  It wasn't until I was 14 and starting high school that we came back to NY and by then I had become a a totally different girl than I was before I moved.  I really took a liking to the laid back Floridian beachy style of living.  I had a ton of friends and loved my life, whats not to love?  I was a kid with a big house, big pool, a ton of friends and freedom to do a lot.  Actually my middle school years were like my very own "wonder years" minus Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper of course.  Anyway coming back was a complete cutlure shock to me.  All girls private high school was torture and being the new kid on a block that I at one time pretty much ruled was very difficult.  I went through a bit of a depression in high school and even after that.  I really grew to despise everything about living in NY and resented it for me having to be away from my happiness.  But I never left.  I guess that's what happens when family is so important, it sort of controls major decisions in your life if you allow it to.

So over the past year I've gone through quite a few changes.  Went through an emotional break up, made 10 years at my job (a not so thrilling milestone in my opinion), turned 31...as if 30 wasn't hard enough, and just began to reevaluate my life and when I did, I realized I was so angry at the world for things I had the most control over.  And this is when I decided to start living for me and no one else...because in retrospect I also realized no one is going to put you first unless you put you first.  This is how I stumbled upon my new hobbies.  If you're reading this then you obviously know I am taking (and loving) pole dancing classes.  Also I flew on a trapeze for the first time and loved it.  And mind you, I am petrified of heights.  I enrolled in an aerial acrobats class as well.   Little by little I started to take control and do things that I actually enjoy without listening to ridicule of anyone else.  Because I just don't care.  And I put me first.  Unless I am happy, I won't do something.  I also faced my fear of doing things alone, for instance traveling alone.  I knew if I wanted to do something it was up to me to do it.  I no longer needed the assistance or approval of anyone else.  If I want to do something, I am not waiting on anyone else to make me late, or make me miss out on something good. 

I am about to get to my point here...So this is where New York plays a huge roll in my transformation.  As I left class last night and walked the two blocks to where I parked my car I had a few minutes to ponder (yes ponder).  I looked around and noticed how the city truly never sleeps.  I am one of the 10 or so million people that scale the city streets.  Everyone has a destination and a life to live.  I smiled inside thinking what a great feeling of freedom I have on these nights when I am running to class or leaving.  I do feel brand new and it's cheesy and cliche but I get chills when I hear Alicia Keys sing that song.  Maybe it hits close to home for me (I am not talking about the overplayed Jay Z version - see below).  There's no one to tell me where to be or what to wear or how to act.  Anything goes in the city, and you can find pretty much anything you want at any given hour on any given day.  I smell food when I leave class and I love every minute of the air I am breathing.  True story, as sappy as it may sound.  I felt proud of myself last night.  It took me a while to get here but I am here now and I am happy doing these amazing things with these amazing people I've met along the way.  I stepped up and conquered some things in my life.

I might not have everything, but who does?  If I can leave class on Thursday nights with a smile on my face then I know I have successfully achieved something that many people wish they could.  I have a masters in two fields and yet I only feel complete when I am in pole class having laughs or climbing a silk and getting frustrated because I am slipping.  Not many people have the opportunity to take advantage of the randomness in life.  But I do, and sure I realized it late but better late than never right?  There is a life outside the sheltered reality we grew up with and I am a part of it in some small way.  Growing up in NY doesn't automatically assume we are exposed to this openness and free way of living and thinking.  It usually means the opposite.  We grow up in our neighborhoods where all our friends live down the street and we marry someone we went to high school with.  It's an adventure to break that mold and be who you really want to be in this world.  Not many places allow for that to happen. I really have opened my eyes to the greatness that New York has to offer.  Why are people from all over the world drawn to this city?  There must be a reason right?  And so I decided not to move just yet.  Where else will I find this type of diversity and unrestricted living?  Surely no where other than New York.  Plus I have to complete all levels at S Factor and NY Circus Arts before I go anywhere!!

There's really nothing you can't do! Although I don't know where I will end up in a year from now or 10 years from now I do know that "even if it ain't all it seems, I got a pocketful of dreams, baby I'm from New York..."

Who's on that pole?

I want to start off by stating that anythingI say here is my personal view or opinion on a topic.  I am not an expert on anything, except myself of course =)  That being said...I want to discuss my love for this activity/sport/exercise.  

Quick overview of my thoughts:  Not sure I even want to refer to it as a sport because in my eyes it's more of an art form, but that's a different post all together.  Two years ago I would probably have shrugged off the idea of pole dancing and maybe related it to a strip club.  In all honesty I have never been a fan of strip clubs , and that's just my personal choice, nothing against men or women who work in one.  Everyone has to make a living,  I choose to make mine doing something I hate and die of boredom over (finance...blah blah blah).  But I am not even sure if I associated pole and strip clubs with one another.  Regardless, it's not something I would have thought I'd be so gung ho about (no pun intended).  I mean I've always loved watching dancers perform especially ballerinas and gymnasts.  You're probably saying gymnastics is not dance - but you get what I mean.  I always wished I'd stuck with either or as a kid but if I knew then what I know now I'd be golden.  Wouldn't we all?  So here I am years later in my 30's taking up new hobbies and loving every minute of it.  I realize now that pole dancing doesn't even need to be in the same room with the word "stripper."  It's really just a challenging, fun, rewarding and strength building fitness regime that beats the hell out of the elliptical machine or the monotonous run on the treadmill.  And let's not forget that anyone looks hot doing it and it doubles as a real self esteem booster.  I've never been the sensual type of girl in touch with her own sexuality, but I am doing things I never imagined I'd be doing.  Like dancing in a room of strangers (who are now my very good friends) and not feeling judged.  I am wearing booty shorts and heels!!  I don't think I've worn shorts since I was 12 and even then I hated my legs.  I don't love my legs now, but I almost don't really care or think about them when I am doing this.  I've seen girls of all sizes on the pole, and when they are moving slow and tuning out their everyday stresses, something magical happens.  They become another creature and suddenly they look amazing.  Sounds lame and made up....I know.  I would have smacked me 2 years ago and said get a f'en life.  Not today though.  Anyway, my one time intro class turned into an obsession that I am glad I stumbled upon.  Keeps me out of other every day troubles!!

Everyone is Someone:  One reason I decided to further my pole obsession is because I saw a Felix Cane video.  If you are reading this you are either my friend and making fun of me, or a serious poler and know the name Felix very well.  If you don't know who she is, I encourage you to watch her pole videos.  The very first pole dancing video I ever watched is Miss Pole Dance Australia 2006 winner Felix Cane.  This video was absolutely breathtaking to me.  I've never witnessed such grace, beauty, control and effortless fluidity by anyone or anything in my life - and in 6 inch platform heels.  I was instantly a fan, instantly hooked and my attraction to this (sport??) grew immediately.  I ordered my own pole before signing up for an 8 week session with S Factor; I haven't missed a week of poling since.  Another video worth watching which has become #1 on my top 50 list of awesome pole videos is another Felix video when she won MPD Australia 2008.  To me, she is untouchable.  A true talent in this industry and anyone who has a bad thought regarding pole dancing should watch this woman dance and then tell me you didn't enjoy every minute of it.  My own mother agrees with me!

I've done my research over the past few months and while I might be a late bloomer I definitely who's who in this business.  A few other great talents which I love to watch are Jenyne Butterfly (1st place winner in the USPDF Nationals 2009 and a personal fave of mine mostly because aside from being an awesome dancer, she is an amazing aerialist who again makes every move look effortless);  Karol Helms (Miss USPDF East Coast 09/10) who I've had the pleasure with chatting with on SV's Friday chat; Alethea Austin (Miss Sexy); Leigh Ann Orsi;  Zoraya Judd; Becca Butcher; Mina Mortezaie, and the list goes on.  What's really unique about this community of women (and some men) is that they all seem to bond and be fans of one another.  Each dancer has something unique to offer and many of these pro dancers actually teach classes at local studios which makes it even more appealing and easy to love!   In addition to my praise for these folks, I am so happy to say that I am booked in a workshop in 2 weeks with Jenyne Butterfly and one with Karol Helms.  I can not wait to meet them and learn from them.  I might be totally "pole struck."   The few interactions I've had with some of these women have been so pleasant and everyone seems to want to help each other and share their knowledge and tips.  It's surprising how nice and down to earth everyone is.  One other awesome performance which landed a spot in one of my top 5 favorites is by Barbara Dial, an instructor at S Factor NY.  This is a total must see and is one of the reason's I haven't quit S Factor yet, the grace and slow fluid movements are amazing and luckily it's one of S's primary focuses, more so than pole tricks.  I prefer a balance of the two which is why I like taking classes at different studios. Definitely check out her winning performance at Pole Superstar.

I have a new respect for anyone who pole dances as a profession or just for fun.  If you are reading this rolling your eyes, then you suck, what can I say.  I never claimed to be politically correct did I?

Don't "F" with my coffee!!

Picture it...it's Monday morning, or as the Bangles might say, just another manic Monday...I've just been rudely awakened by the sound of my iPod alarm clock and fall back to sleep.  I am in severe pain due to my very first pole jam practice which took place on Sunday evening and I have the bruises to prove it.  I snooze until 9am.  Work starts at 9am.  I am now late.  I waltz my ass in at 30 minutes past the hour, eyes crusted shut and a massive headache.  What do you want from me?  I'm 31 years old, my bones are not like they were at 21!   I no longer need a rough night of heavy drinking to hang me over.  All it takes is a 90 minute pole session and an overworked bod to put me into a mild coma that I refuse to come out of.  So now I am sleep walking my ass to my desk to get my coffee mug, mind you I drove to work in this coma, DMV should revoke my license.  Quick overview, my boss's boss and I share the duties of coffee brewing.  We take turns buying, making, and cleaning the coffee pot. It was her week to provide.  Now, I have nothing bad to say about my immediate surroundings.  I love my 6 close coworkers but we are like a family and frankly, I am entitled to get annoyed with family on occasion aren't I?  So I fill up my mug and go back to my desk.  Hmm, smells weird and tastes a little funny, but whatever, I know just by experience I make coffee better than her so I chalk it up that.  True story.  So an hour or so later I am suffering from a monster headache and feel the urge to brutally beat up anyone who knocks on my door.  I go back to refill my mug, and low and behold, what catches my eye???  Dunkin Donuts DECAF in bright orange packaging.  WHAT?  This can't be, who would do such a thing?? On a Monday no less???  Maybe the crusties in my eyes are blocking my vision.  Nope.  Clear as day, and and bitter stinking as hell.  I knew it tasted suspicious.  A true coffee lover knows her coffee.  It's like trying to swap the Hellmans with Miracle Whip.  You just don't do it!  So naturally I put on my coat and fly out the door to the drive thru Starbucks. Starbucks saved the day and saved the poor innocent people who might have been in hurt in the crossfire.  Thank you Devin from Starbucks for putting a smile on my face!  I am now plotting the mysterious disappearance of the decaf coffee bag so I don't have to live through this torture the rest of the week.  I just don't think it's normal to trick someone with such a nasty addiction!  I am not proud of my addiction, and I plan to quit sometime in the future.  But this is my heroine damn it.  How dare you F with my coffee!?!?!

Circus Life

Well I started my aerial acrobats class on Wednesday night and let's just say I it feels like I've been beaten up by Tony Soprano and crew.  I had to cancel my pole class last night, my legs and upper body are feeling serious soreness today.  But, I had the best time and can't wait to go back next week.  The instructor was great, the class size was small and we got to stretch and cool down with the advanced students which is pretty cool.  I climbed to the top of the silks and loved every minute of it.   We did a straddle invert which looks something like this which was taken during my intro:

We stretched (properly) and learned to swing on the trapeze using our hips not our legs.  It's so much harder than it sounds, I have calluses from the one class.  I have to work on my upper body strength and my splits.  She told me to do planks and "hollow body" poses on the days I don't have class.  She also said I will be toned by summer...WOO WOO!! I hope she is right.  I can't wait to learn more and move into the advanced class those students were so awesome (I was totally distracted watching them the entire time)!!

All in all I had a great 2 hours and I am so happy I joined this school.  I will keep this blog updated with my progress and hopefully I can be helpful to anyone slightly interested.  I already converted two more people who joined with me.  Damn i am good, I should market for this school!!!  Buzz marketing??  Hmm...not a bad idea.

Catch ya on the flip side...
Mish

Running away with the Circus

Just a quick note to say I've been so busy and haven't had a chance to update this blog.  Already this precious little newborn is feeling more neglected thanKourtney Khardashian's baby!  I promise to change that.  I swear!

So tonight is my first night of aerial acrobats at NY Circus Arts!  I can't wait to begin.  I've dreamed of this day for years (ok I know that sounds rehearsed but it's the damn truth)!  Unfortunately I have been feeling sick lately, probably from all the running around and running myself down.  So I woke up this morning with a monster headache which seems to have over stayed its welcome. What can I do?  I refuse to let it ruin my night.  Drug up and run away with the circus!  I will be posting about my experience later on today or tomorrow if I am too tired.  The class is 2 hours and begins at 7pm, so there's a good chance I will hit the hay the minute I get home.  I think I am going to love it and I think I might have to convert some friends into circus freaks with me.

Stay tuned to track my aerial experience.

New Acro-like Findings

Ok, I know I have been MIA for a few days, I was under the weather and then I was away and didn't have access to a properly functioning internet connection, i.e. my sister's house with her virus infected laptop!  Shame on her!  But I have been meaning to discuss something exciting!  Read on...

Since I have been enveloping my world with acrobatic/pole climbing/yoga based activities, my newest fascination makes total sense and I must explore this further.  It's called..."Antigravity Yoga!"  I stumbled across this when I was researching the silks and found that this is the exact apparatus used at the Grammy's by Pink.  I knew I was spiritually connected to this chick!  

So of course that drove me to stop everything I was doing and focus all attention on how I can get my plump ass into one of these classes.  Unfortunately for me, everything that's remotely fun or interesting resides in Manhattan, so I must travel....and I will!  As of now there are only 2 studios offering antigravity yoga classes, one of which is Crunch fitness, and I refuse to join another gym especially one that's in NYC; for that matter I may as well pack my sh*t and move to Chelsea!  The other is a yoga studio called Om Factory.  So I am veering more toward this as a first choice until I can figure out my gym memberships and  budget my other infatuations.

I want to talk more about this idea of "antigravity."  I heard the word "anti" and I am all for it.  Then combine it with yoga and a hammock on which I get to flip upside down?  I'm in heaven!  So basically for those of you who are too lazy to click on the links I have provided and read for yourselves, I will try to give a synopsis of my own.  Apparently ths is one of the top ten trends of 2009.  Whoops!  I am a little late on that but better late than TOO late I guess. Also, my good friends (sarcasm) from the View even heard about this before me!  If I find out that wrinkly old coot Barbara Walters was swinging upside on a hammock before me, I am going to raise hell!

The hammock is a soft piece of fiber that hangs from the ceiling and it can be lowered or raised depending on the type of workout being taught.  I believe this activity was originally created for gymnasts so they can get in touch with being aerial and now it's been modified for the average Joe; I'm not so sure I buy that since every time I take a class that claims anyone of any age shape or size can do it, it's usually not the case!  But we'll see as soon as I try it out and report back.  The studios claim in this class you learn to balance and hold yoga positions as well as fly on a hammock which they compare to a soft trapeze.   They had me at "Pink."  All I had to do was see a pic of someone hanging upside down on a hammock (in sweat pants on the website) and I was sold.  One class costs about $17 for an hour and they offer weekend workshops which sound pretty intriguing.  Usually consistent yoga practice helps you to gain awareness and flexibility and this particular form of yoga is also said to increase joint mobility.  I plan to take a class next week and give an update on my findings :-)

Before I go, I also want to mention something called AcroYoga.  I find this very interesting and of course, I might try a class or two if I can fit it into my already crazy schedule.  I am not going into detail here but if you are remotely intrigued by the name, then you can find out more info here.

Happy Findings!!

Snowed in, sick and web surfing

So I have been stuck indoors all day due to body aches, sweats, head cold and of course a wonderful nor'easter. In the many hours I've been couch-bound, TV has been utterly boring (think Mr. G in his black turtle neck talking about snow snow and more snow), so I used this time to update my profile on StudioVeena.com.

For anyone interested in pole dancing and wanting to learn online as well as connect with new people and get friendly advice, check out StudioVeena.com. I stumbled across this a few months ago and never had a real chance to update my profile. It's free to sign up (the online instructional videos however are not free) and you can upload your videos and view fellow polers videos for learning purposes.

Well!! I have become totally addicted to watching other people's videos that I sometimes forget there's a pole staring me right in the face. I am totally amazed by how many girls are in love with pole dancing and how many of these girls are so fantastic. In fact, I discovered this past week that a few of my favorite SV girls actually attend the same pole school I do...how small is the world??? It never ceases to amaze me!

Anywho...today I realized that StudioVeena also has a fabulous little forum which I've already found some very useful information on. And I might add that this community (pole fitness/pole dancing...whatever you want to call it) is one of the friendliest most welcoming community I've ever been a part of. Everyone is so encouraging and helpful of one another, and you get to know women from all over the world. It's really very intriguing and I encourage anyone who a real interest in pole dancing to check it out if you haven't already.

That's my input for today folks. See ya'll later..or sooner if tv continues to disappoint!!

You've Gotta Start Somewhere

The idea for this blog came to mind when my friends kept asking me questions about the latest "improving me" stuff I've been doing.

For instance....

I am taking pole dancing fitness classes and I love it!

I do yoga and I think I'll soon be a master pretzel maker. (Joking)

I learned how to sail through the air on a flying trapeze.

And with those things, comes a lot of interest. So I decided instead of repeating the same information over and over to this friend and that, I would put it here, all in one place.

I tend to do a lot of research on topics of interest, and then I will bombard my friends with numerous emails telling them what I found and what events we should attend, etc. So not only will this be a place for information I gather on all my latest loves (and free up my friend's inboxes), but I'll also post some random chatter - books I've read, movies that touched me, fashions I love or hate, and any other crazy thought that comes to my head...and believe me, there are many!

So I hope you'll stop by to see what latest thoughts have been flying through my head....on a teeny tiny trapeze....and usually upside down!