The Unnecessary Pressures of Being a Woman

This is one of those rants that I need to have because I am filled with endless emotions and thoughts and unanswered questions and aggravations.

Let me start by saying that yesterday was a really crappy day.  I woke up thinking it was Friday and had to face the biggest let down when I realized I was two days early and had barely hit the half mark of my work week.  Between the usual spilled coffee in the car and losers on the road causing me to almost crash several times on my way to work, I knew I should have stayed in bed......But I didn't.  I also went through the majority of the day thinking it was a full moon and blaming all of my hysterics on that, only to find out that again, I was 3 days too early.  I am starting to think someones been sprinkling dimensia dust over me in my sleep.


Anway, back to my topic.  Society (a dreadful word in the American vocabulary according to me) is always at fault for putting pressure on women.  We hear it all the time, pressures to be thin, pressures to be beautiful, pressures to have big boobs, or smooth skin, or great hair, nice legs, rock solid abs, you get the idea.  But there's another type of pressure put on women.  And that is the pressure to procreate.

As I was catching up with one of my many pregnant friends yesterday, she mentioned to me how she bumped into another friend (also married with children) and they discussed when I would be popping out a child.  Now, this is just an example of the typical questions I get as a 32 year old single female.  Questions from everyone, mostly those who are already married and/or have kids, and mostly the older genereation.

In my 20's I always thought I'd be married with a great career and kids by the time I turned 30.  Of course, nothing is set in stone.  And over the years I have forgotten about that stigma and went on with my life.  By the time I did turn 30 I'd had a few relationships under my belt and a greater idea of what the world had to offer and the freedom I had to explore it.  And in my opinion, or should I say in my world, I think I have accomplished more then most girls my age.  But why is it that people who did choose the other different path always want to know "When are you getting married?" or "When are you going to have a baby?"  I think it's pretty offensive honestly.  Why is that the ONLY accepted status as a woman?  I wouldn't say to an overweight person "When are you going to lose weight?" or "Why are you so fat?"  I am sure the person KNOWS they are overweight or need to lose weight, why is it my business to remind them or make them feel like they are out of place if they don't?

This all comes at a time in my life when I too have the same questions for myself.  And I went home last night and honestly felt sad, and angry.  Mostly at myself.  Why am I choosing this path in life?  Why haven't I gotten married or had a kid yet?  What am I waiting for?  Now I will be an old mom, the old moms I used to make fun of as a kid.  Maybe I should think about having a kid now, even if it's not with the right person, everyone seems to think it's time.   Then I made the mistake of logging into my facebook account and saw 3 different announcements of people who had baby news.  Just in time for my mini meltdown thank you!  Facebook has become a tool where people throw pimp out their families to show off to the world (i.e. their long lost friends from grammar school) how wonderful their lives are and how happy their families are.  I used to use facebook as a way to keep in touch with friends that I can't see on a regular basis, friends that live far away, but now I don't even enjoy logging in because it's become a show and apparently I have nothing to show.  I've actually deleted people because of it.

Is it that in order for a woman to be completely fulfilled in life she needs a husband and a fleet of children to account for?  What if you remove that husband and/or children frmo her life, is she then less of a woman?  I am not sure I am understanding what's being asked of me.  Does it make me a loser because I didn't find someone early on and have a family and become a young mom?  I mean don't get me wrong sure it would be great, and I am happy for anyone who is happy with that lifestyle, but maybe I am happy with my education and my freedom in life.  I have a double MBA, and I do so many things with my free time that make me happy.  Maybe I enjoy traveling the world with friends and boyfriends (regardless of how often they may come and go).  Maybe I am happy focusing on just me for now. 

I never felt complete by having someone in my life to complete me.  I always assumed as an individual you are expected to complete yourself before you try to complete someone else.  What about individuality?  Why am I looked at different by all my friends who are in marriages with kids?  Is it because they want me to be trapped at home with no freedom to do what makes me happy?  Is it a case of misery loves company (assuming they are not truly happy)?  Or is it that they feed into society's pressures on women becoming old maids?  Now we have "cougars."  Who cares?  Why must it be called anything.  No one seems to put the same pressure on men.  A man can live his whole life whoring around and never having kids and no one will say a word.  In fact he will be praised for it.  But why should I go run out and get married or knocked up just to fit in?  What difference does it make?  And what gives anyone the right to question me about it!?!?

Aiming for that upside down frown

 I can't seem to get the knack of this blog updating business.  I have so much to say but never find time to say it, or write it.  I barely make time to think it.  Which is probably why my head feels like it's about to explode and take down at least half of the offices in my hallway today.

I left off talking about trust.  Well the minute I blogged about it, I lost trust in myself.  I went to my final aerial class of the session, and I was told to do a trapeze sequence on my left side.  I hadn't really done the entire sequence on my "bad" side before, and my usual isntructor was out that day, so I relied on my spotter and myself.  But I knew something wasn't right before I even began.  I talked myself into doubting my body awareness, and sure enough I took a fall and landed right on my spotter kicking her in the face.  It wasn't pretty for her, although she broke my fall nicely.  But I realized something after I looked at the video playback; I caused myself to fall.  I created that self doubt and I made that fall happen.  I could have prevented it, I am not weak and I knew what needed to be done but I allowed my mind to cloud my awareness of my body causing me to soften and give up. This really bothered me, especially since I could have hurt the person spotting me, although thankfully that wasn't the case.  But this sat with me for days after.  How and why do I always allow mind over matter to backfire on me?  And when (if ever) will I be able to control the two?

That's just one of the many issues taking up space in my cloudy mind.  I've also hurt my back poling, and again I know why and I know how, but I still let my brain control my body.  I overcompensate when I know an area is weak and this time it caused me to strain a muscle in my back.  I haven't been on a pole in two weeks.  I am sad.  My back feels better though.  But in general something is missing and I am not sure what it is.  Maybe poling makes me happy and not doing it creates a void.  Or maybe the void was already there and poling filled it and the second I stop I feel that open hole of darkness.  Or maybe I am being over dramatic today.

I have no idea how I went from hurting my back to being sad inside all in the post.  I have my moments.  Times where things are wonderful and I think this is great, I am enjoying life and feeling carefree.  Then a day later I am sad, and can't quite put my finger on what's causing this sadness.  But I feel the frown on my face even when it's not there.  It won't go away.  Have I taken on too much at once?  Literally?  Emotionally? 

I was starting to feel like I had things in control again, picking myself up from a dark place where I didn't want to be, and things were looking bright......but.....then I realized what needed fixing still isn't fixed and I am just masking it with menial things.  I have not gotten to the root of what's causing me to frown inside and I am starting to think I never will.  How is it that the mind can have such control over everything?  I turned off my emotions willingly for a while.  And now I turned them back on but only half way and my head is in the drivers seat on auto pilot.  Make sense?  It doesn't to me.  I am on auto pilot in my life right now.  My job is a key player in my frownyness (no it's not a word I just made it up), and when I even begin to think about making a change I cringe and panic and get a headache and then throw my thoughts on the back burner and find an easier more immediate focus.  At the end of each day, the problem is still there.  The problem is me.  I have become a professional procrastinator and for crying out loud I am not getting paid enough to do it!

It's time for a snack, I can't think anymore...