I left off talking about trust. Well the minute I blogged about it, I lost trust in myself. I went to my final aerial class of the session, and I was told to do a trapeze sequence on my left side. I hadn't really done the entire sequence on my "bad" side before, and my usual isntructor was out that day, so I relied on my spotter and myself. But I knew something wasn't right before I even began. I talked myself into doubting my body awareness, and sure enough I took a fall and landed right on my spotter kicking her in the face. It wasn't pretty for her, although she broke my fall nicely. But I realized something after I looked at the video playback; I caused myself to fall. I created that self doubt and I made that fall happen. I could have prevented it, I am not weak and I knew what needed to be done but I allowed my mind to cloud my awareness of my body causing me to soften and give up. This really bothered me, especially since I could have hurt the person spotting me, although thankfully that wasn't the case. But this sat with me for days after. How and why do I always allow mind over matter to backfire on me? And when (if ever) will I be able to control the two?
That's just one of the many issues taking up space in my cloudy mind. I've also hurt my back poling, and again I know why and I know how, but I still let my brain control my body. I overcompensate when I know an area is weak and this time it caused me to strain a muscle in my back. I haven't been on a pole in two weeks. I am sad. My back feels better though. But in general something is missing and I am not sure what it is. Maybe poling makes me happy and not doing it creates a void. Or maybe the void was already there and poling filled it and the second I stop I feel that open hole of darkness. Or maybe I am being over dramatic today.
I have no idea how I went from hurting my back to being sad inside all in the post. I have my moments. Times where things are wonderful and I think this is great, I am enjoying life and feeling carefree. Then a day later I am sad, and can't quite put my finger on what's causing this sadness. But I feel the frown on my face even when it's not there. It won't go away. Have I taken on too much at once? Literally? Emotionally?
I was starting to feel like I had things in control again, picking myself up from a dark place where I didn't want to be, and things were looking bright......but.....then I realized what needed fixing still isn't fixed and I am just masking it with menial things. I have not gotten to the root of what's causing me to frown inside and I am starting to think I never will. How is it that the mind can have such control over everything? I turned off my emotions willingly for a while. And now I turned them back on but only half way and my head is in the drivers seat on auto pilot. Make sense? It doesn't to me. I am on auto pilot in my life right now. My job is a key player in my frownyness (no it's not a word I just made it up), and when I even begin to think about making a change I cringe and panic and get a headache and then throw my thoughts on the back burner and find an easier more immediate focus. At the end of each day, the problem is still there. The problem is me. I have become a professional procrastinator and for crying out loud I am not getting paid enough to do it!
It's time for a snack, I can't think anymore...
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